Welcome to La Morde
by dbanjeezeez
Summary: It's not complicated, really. I'm only just planning to disguise myself as a bloke for the duration of two weeks so I can take part in the Auror Training Program, all the while dealing with potential boob-groping, getting lost and seeing James Potter in sweatpants. I can deal with that, right? - Lily/James
1. Chapter 1

**Friday, 5pm – May 17th**

My life is over.

OVER.

If anyone ever tells you Hogwarts is the best Wizarding School in all of Britain, THEY ARE WRONG.

I'm telling you this right now, just in case you're planning to send your children here, or maybe by some chance you're a poor eleven year old who's just gotten your letter (both are which are highly implausible because you are just a book). They'll lure you in with their fancy hats and robes and wands and such, and for Muggleborns like me, it can be very hard to resist, I know. But trust me on this - this place is a loony bin.

Full of annoying nutters.

Stay in the Muggle world if you know what's good for you.

And I know you're thinking, well, _she_ must be a loony as well because she's talking to this book as if it can actually understand her and isn't, in fact, just an inanimate object. Well, I'll have you know, dear book, I'm not writing in you of my own free will. It was suggested to me (more like forced upon me, actually) by my best friend Molly.

You see, Molly is under the impression that I have a lot of repressed anger. Me! Anger! What utter nonsense. She likes to say things like that, Molly does. She's a bit like one of those therapists that try to make you work out your problems on your own.

"But Lily, don't you think this would look better over there?" She'll suggest.

Or: "Lily, I know you're really tired, so I won't bother you. I just hope you're ready for that disappointed look Slughorn will give you tomorrow when you don't turn in your homework."

Small comments like that that work deep into your cerebellum and bug you until you succumb to her wishes. Molly has a very innocent face (big brown eyes, curly brown hair, long eyelashes, the works) but she can be very manipulative. Really. It's how she got on to the Quidditch team, I suspect, because she's really not all that good. Don't worry, she knows it, too. I think she's going to quit soon because she's always coming back from practice grumbling.

Anyway, so Molly somehow convinced me to start writing in this stupid journal my foul sister, Petunia, got me for Christmas last year. I suppose she only got it because she suspected I would never use it. Well boo for her because here I am, writing in it. Although I don't intend to write _much_ because I don't really have the time. It's getting really close to our final exams (two weeks, bloody hell) and even though we don't have any major exams in Sixth Year, it's still sure to be a real pain. Especially considering I'm sure to get a Troll in Transfiguration.

I am a hundred percent serious when I tell you that I am six marks away from _failing_ Transfiguration (I still need to tell you the reason why this school is full of annoying nutters but let me get this out first). I simply don't understand the subject and it's a complete mystery anyone else does. It's exactly like one of those classes where you sit down and tell yourself that you WILL pay attention and you WILL understand everything Professor McGonagall is saying, but then within the first five minutes you're already thinking about whether to have carrots or peas for lunch.

And then when it comes to actually performing the spells, I'm so awfully terrible that I set the classroom on fire at one point. I really did. People had to go to the Hospital Wing and everything. No one ever wants to be my partner since then. Not even MOLLY. I don't even know why I call her my best friend, she's such a traitor. Maybe I should start being best friends with another girl from my dorm, like Alice Prewett. She's very nice. Or Mary McDonald, though she's always prattling on about some boy or the other. I suppose Keira Dane would also make a fine best friend. She's got to be the most insecure person on the entire planet but on the positive side, she's almost as bad at Transfiguration as I am.

It really sucks being so terrible at such a crucial subject because, for some reason or the other, Transfiguration is one of the subjects students are required to pass if they want to be an Auror. Which brings me back to why I'm so annoyed with Hogwarts tonight.

See, I've always wanted to be an Auror. Always meaning, ever since I found out what they were, which was about three months ago, but that is beside the point. I mean, how brilliant would that be? You get to run around and put a stop to evil and all that. And you don't get into trouble for hexing people who get on your nerves. It's a win-win situation. And naturally, when Professor Harigan (our Defense against the Dark Arts teacher) described the job to us (he used to be one before he got so old he could barely even jump over a log) I knew it was what I wanted to do.

I talked to him about it today, and he said it was a very taxing job, and I told him I could handle it, but right then he got distracted because... lo, and behold, James Potter had walked into the room.

James Potter.

His name makes me want to break my quill.

See, James Potter is very... infuriating. Infuriating in every way possible. Infuriating because he is probably the luckiest goddamn person in the world. He's rich, he's bloody brilliant without even trying, he's good looking (if you can see past his FAT head) and he's _apparently_ the best Quidditch player Hogwarts has seen in years. Not to mention the entire school population is in love with him (a fact that only strengthens my belief that everyone in this school is mad).

They all think he's so damn clever and funny and, here's the catch: so does _he_. In James Potter's mind, he's a gift to all the women of Hogwarts. He struts around... ruffling his hair like an idiot... hexing people because he thinks it's funny (alright sometimes it is, but it can also be very mean!)... being an all round prat... and what really gets me the most is how he seems to have developed this weird obsession with me.

If it was any other person, _literally anyone else_, it might have been flattering. Sweet even. But it's Potter and he's a git. He thinks making fun of me is some big joke. I mean, how awful is that? Molly thinks he actually does like me, and that he really wants me to go out with him, but I tell her to bugger off because, really. He's _James Potter_. He could have _literally_ any girl at Hogwarts. Why me? Aside from the fact that I hate his guts, I am nothing special. Just your slightly below average, green eyed, redhead that tends to overreact on occasion. It's not like I'm gorgeous or anything, like Patty Hancox, the fifth member of our dorm.

They used to go out, you know. Patty and James, I mean. They were pretty much the most disgusting couple at Hogwarts last year. Everywhere I went, I would see them grabbing each other and shoving their tongues down each other's throats; the train, outside classes, on the grounds, even at lunch when the rest of us poor kids were trying to push down some nutrition. Ew. They've broken up now, but that really shows you the type of girl James is after. Because I would never. I like to keep my snogging sessions private, thank you very much.

Not that I've had very many snogging sessions, to be honest. I haven't had that many boyfriends, mostly due to the fact that I'm a walking, talking Christmas tree with weird freckles and a horrible temper. But more on that later.

Anyway, so James Potter walked into the room Professor Harigan uses as his office, where _I'm_ already speaking to him, mind you, and said all casually:

"Could I have a word, Professor?"

_No, you bloody can't, I'm having a word_, I wanted to say, but of course Professor Harigan gestured him forward jovially. He does everything jovially, that man. It's a little unsettling; surely, no one can be that happy all the time. I suspect he has some deep, dark secret that he attempts to hide behind a cheerful manner. Maybe he secretly hates us all (I wouldn't blame him) and has formulated a diabolical plot to destroy the school.

Hmm.

"Certainly, dear boy," he beamed at James. "I was just talking to Lily here about future career choices, but I think we're just about done-"

"Actually," James interrupted quickly, glancing at my reddening face, "that's what I came to talk to you about. See, I heard something from Professor McGonagall about some Auror training program in the summer, and as you know, I'm really looking into that for when I leave Hogwarts. She said to talk to you about it, that you'll be in charge of it?"

I don't know what made me more upset; the fact that Professor Harigan had pretty much blown me off to talk to James (we were nowhere near _done_) or the fact that Professor McGonagall was talking to that twit about important things like Auror training programs. Alright, so I guess it's no secret that she is in love with him – he's some sort of Transfiguration genius – but, hey! _I'm_ the bloody Prefect. Not a very good one, I'll give you that, but still. You try having to walk around this massive castle at night and risk being hexed by highly libidinous teens because you're trying to interrupt their broom-closet sex. It's a very taxing job. We Prefects are highly depreciated.

"Oh yes, she already talked to me about that," Harigan nodded, pulling out some papers from his desk drawer. "Already had your name put down and everything. I assume you talked to your father about this?"

"Oh yes," James nodded in return. "He's very pleased. He's an Auror too, you know."

Who doesn't bloody know? Henry Potter is basically the most mentioned Auror in the Daily Prophet. I was thinking this too, when James glanced at me again. He is constantly glancing at me for a reason unbeknownst to me, and it makes me very uncomfortable. I glared back at him and he immediately said, "You're in the program too, Evans?"

I really didn't want to say "I don't know what program you're talking about, but it sounds like something I would be interested in," because that was an admission that James knew something I didn't, but that's exactly what I said. Apparently, my mouth has decided to severe its connection to my brain and make decisions on its own.

"Oh, you didn't hear?" Harigan asked, surprised. "That's strange. You friend, Miss Winslet, signed up for the program weeks ago."

Miss Winslet. _Molly_. She signed up and didn't tell me about it.

See. _Traitor_.

"What program?" I pressed.

"It's being sponsored by the Ministry," Harigan huffed, shuffling through the papers again. "They need a lot of recruits next year and so they're holding training sessions for Sixth Years interested in the Auror field. It's being held out of school for the first couple of weeks of summer, sort of like a camp. It's all on the pamphlet, though I can't seem to find it anywhere…"

And just then, when he was pulling out papers and stuff, looking for that evasive pamphlet, I started to get really excited. He'd said, _sort of like a camp_. If there's one thing I love, it's camping. My pap used to take me all the time when I was younger, and, granted we returned with countless insect bites and even one time a potentially life-threatening disease, those camping days had been some of the best of my life. We don't do it much now what with me going to Hogwarts and Petunia being a right bitch and all, but I miss it terribly.

And a magic camp! With Auror training! I was so excited I could barely stop myself from bouncing on my toes. I started thinking about how much fun I would have with Molly and any other Sixth Years going and how wonderful everything would be, when –

"Sorry, Miss Evans… it doesn't look like we have any spots left."

I blinked at him.

"What do you mean they're no spots left?" I asked him, a little more loudly than I intended to. "How many spots _are_ there? Who signed up for it?"

Mr. Harigan smiled and told me in a very calm voice, as if my life wasn't falling to pieces around me, "Well, like I said before, Miss Winslet applied earlier. In fact, it seems every Sixth Year Gryffindor applied already – except you, of course. There can be only eleven people from each house, you see. Six boys and five girls. And all the other girls in your dorm… Misses Winslet, Prewett, McDonald, Hancox and Dane all applied, leaving no more available room for another female applicant."

"But there are only five male Sixth Year Gryffindors!" I insisted. "That means there's one spot left-"

"Yes, one spot left for a _male_. Are you a male, Miss Evans?" He was still smiling. I'm almost positive he was imagining himself stabbing me in the chest repeatedly with a rusty fork.

I could hear James laughing under his breath, but I really tried to ignore him. "Does it really matter?"

"Actually, it _does_ matter, because for a while now I've been referring to you as _MISS_ Evans-"

"No! No, I'm a _girl_, I'm asking if it matters if there are six guys and five girls! Couldn't it be… I dunno, six girls and five blokes?"

"I'm afraid not," Harigan said cheerfully. He rose from his seat and returned all the papers into his drawer. "Extended surveys by the Ministry concluded that males are much more likely to pursue an Auror career. So now they invest more deeply in them. Doubt there's much more you can do! Now if you'll just excuse me… have places to dash to, you know!"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the world we live in. A world where women have unequal rights and can't pursue their dreams because of some stupid survey. A world where annoying teachers make secret ploys to destroy their school. A world where BEST FRIENDS DON'T TELL EACH OTHER THINGS.

I'm royally pissed at Molly right now. Maybe if she'd told me on time, I would've been able to sign up before Patty, who is not exactly big on punctually. But now it's too late, and my summer will consist of pointless rows with Petunia instead of exciting new experiences with my friends. I mean, really. Every other Gryffindor except me. Every. Other. Gryffindor.

You know what that means?

Two words.

Amos Diggory.

Who is Amos Diggory, you ask? Only the boy I've been in love with for just about FOREVER.

He's the fifth and final Sixth Year Gryffindor, and the best-looking, as well as the nicest and the overall best. Alright, perhaps not the nicest (he _is _nice, though I think Remus takes the prize for that category), but he really is everything else.

Thing is, I'm pretty sure he doesn't know I exist. Like, he knows I literally exist, as in he knows I am alive and the Sixth Year Gryffindor Prefect and everything, but other than that, he knows nothing about me. We've been in the same house for SIX years, but he still forgets my name. It's heartbreaking. You try having the love of your life refer to you as "Lola." Unless of course, your name is actually Lola, then that would be nice, I suppose.

He doesn't really hang around us Gryffindors much, so I guess that could be a reason. He mostly tags along with the Hufflepuffs, which is totally mystifying, but I don't really blame him. Having James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter in one dorm could make anyone feel excluded. Like peas in a pod, those four.

Still, for those split seconds where I imagined going to this training, I imagined myself and Amos sitting under the moonlight by the fire after a particularly draining exercise… he wrapped his arms around me and I looked into those blue eyes (his eyes are SO blue. Like the Circassian sea.) and then he leaned in and I leaned in and we were so close and then – POOF.

Just like that. Gone. Along with my chances of ever kissing Amos Diggory.

I imagine it to be very nice. Kissing him, I mean. He has very soft-looking lips.

Sigh.

I just talked to Professor Harigan about an hour ago so I haven't seen Molly yet (I think she might be sending an owl to her parents), but as soon as I do, I'm giving her a real talking to. It's time for dinner now anyways so I'll probably see her there.

So.

It's been real, book, but I honestly don't think I'll be writing in you anymore. Hopefully, the little I've written will keep Molly off my back.

This wasn't that bad actually. I might still use you for notes and such.

Xxx L

**UPDATE:**

I saw Molly at dinner. This is how our conversation went:

Me: (_taking a seat at the table)_ Why didn't you tell me about the Auror training?

Molly: (_spooning in some rice)_ Oh. I forgot.

Me: You forgot. Oh. Okay. Just like I forgot to tell you I'm terminating our friendship. Alice is my new best friend now.

Molly: Don't you think you're being a little bit overdramatic, Lily?

Me: NO, ACTUALLY. I DON'T.

Molly: I didn't think you'd want to do it.

Me: What on earth would make you think that!?

Molly: Well, you've only really been interested in a career as an Auror for about two months. You can be a bit indecisive. I didn't think you _really _wanted to do it.

Me: _Three_ months! And it doesn't mean you should've kept it from me. Besides, just the fact that Amos is going should have been enough reason for you to let me know. It was your duty as former ex-best friend.

Molly: I'm _sorry_! I honestly didn't think you'd be interested. And I didn't even know Amos signed up for it.

Me: Whatever.

Molly: Please don't be angry, Lils. If you really want to, we could go after dinner and try convincing Professor Dumbledore to let you go. He's _sure_ to have some say in this.

As it turns out, Professor Dumbledore has no say in any of this. He told us he wasn't involved and to talk to Professor Harigan, which was obviously no help at all.

So that's it.

No more advancement in my pursuits of a career as an Auror. No more camping with magic. No more snuggling with Amos under the pale moonlight.

I wish Professor Harigan would get on with murdering me. My life sucks.

* * *

**A/N:** I have about half of this story written. I'll update in a few days if I get some feedback on this!


	2. Chapter 2

**Monday, May27****th****, 3:24pm**

**History of Magic Class,**

_Scotland's witch-hunting had its origins in the marriage of King James to Princess Anne of Denmark. Anne's voyage to Scotland for the wedding met with a bad storm, and she ended up taking refuge in Norway. James traveled to Scandinavia and the wedding took place in at Kronborg Castle in Denmark. After a long honeymoon in Denmark, the royal newlyweds encountered terrible seas on the return voyage, which the ship's captain blamed on witches. When six Danish women confessed to having caused the storms that bedeviled King James, he began to take witchcraft seriously. Back in Scotland, the paranoid James authorized torture of suspected witches. Dozens of condemned witches in the North Berwick area were burned at the stake in what would be the largest witch-hunt in British history. By 1597, James began to address some of the worst prosecutorial abuses, and witch-hunting abated somewhat -_

Oh bloody hell, this is boring. I know I said I wouldn't write anymore, but this is really boring.

I really don't understand why Binns even continues on with his teachings. Half the class is bloody asleep for goodness sake. Merlin knows that man, or ghost I should say, lives in his own little world. He is completely oblivious to the antics of those who manage to stay awake in his class. James Potter and Sirius Black, for instance, are having great fun lobbing parchment across the room at the sleeping forms of a couple of Slytherins. Talk about immature. Maybe if I keep sending them nasty looks from the corner of my eye, they'll stop.

I wonder if Binns' voice has ever put anyone in a coma, because I would seriously not be surprised if it had. Molly is asleep beside me. She usually doesn't fall asleep in H.O.M, a praiseworthy reputation, but she stayed up late last night studying for her Arithmancy final. They take their final exams earlier than other classes, so she's been working hard at it lately. She's such an overachiever. Without studying, she could probably ace all her finals anyway, but who am I to stop her? I wish she would wake up. I'm dreadfully bored.

In the meantime, I think I'll just stare at the back of Amos' head from the front of the room. He looks particularly yummy; he's playing some game with Remus on the margin of his parchment, I think.

What in the bloody hell?

It appears my nasty looks have produced an opposite result from what I wanted. James just lobbed one of those parchments at my head. Why, that slimy little –

Oh, hang on. It's a note.

_Did you get Dumbledore to let you come for training?_

Potter is staring at me, urging me with his eyes to answer. Normally, I would toss the note into the rubbish bin and set it on fire for extra measures, but today I'm _really_ bored.

**What's it to you?**

There. I've just tossed it back to him. My throwing talents are not as rusty as I imagined them to be because it him right in the eye.

_Come on Evans, don't be like that. It'd be a lot more fun if you came_.

Hmm. That was nice of him. Maybe I should ease up on him a little bit.

**There's no more available spots, remember? It's a shame that we allow such a stupid, sexist, misguided bunch of idiots lead the Wizarding World. They couldn't let just one more student in? Just one measly student!**

_You really wanted it badly, didn't you?_

**Yes.**

_For what it's worth, I wish you were coming. Too bad you aren't a bloke, eh?_

* * *

**Later, at lunch.**

We've finally gotten our exam schedules! About time.

Monday, June 3

9 am Transfiguration (It's really unfair that Transfiguration would be the first exam of the day, because I know that after this, I'll be so discouraged and upset from failing it that I'll fail all my other exams.)

5 pm Charms (Okay so this might not be so bad. Not to brag or anything but Charms is kind of my specialty.)

Tuesday, June 4

1 pm Potions

Midnight Astronomy

Wednesday, June 5

9 am History of Magic

4 pm Herbology

Thursday, June 6

9 am Defense Against The Dark Arts

1 pm Divination

And then exams are over and I'm free! Molly and I have pretty much the same schedule which is nice, I guess, but it's not like we can cheat off each other or anything. This kid tried to do that with his friend once and he ended up hanging upside down from the ceiling of the Great Hall, his bright pink underwear a clear warning to anyone else who was thinking of cheating as well.

Anyway, I didn't get to reply James' last note because the bell rang, but I _have_ been thinking about what he wrote.

_Too bad you're not a bloke, eh?_

!

I don't know why I didn't think about this before! It's brilliant… and crazy, but still so so brilliant… I'm crazy for even considering it, I know… but hear me out…

I could turn myself into a bloke.

Okay, not _literally_ turn myself a bloke. But I could make myself _look_ like one. At least, to fool Harigan, who really isn't ALL that bright. Maybe he used to be, back when he was a famous Auror, but I suspect age is catching up with him. After all, if he hasn't figured out how to destroy the school yet surely he won't be able to notice me impersonating a boy.

Right?

RIGHT?

* * *

**Even Later, back in the dormitory**

I told the girls in the dorm (who are all extremely sympathetic towards my case) about my brilliant idea and I've recorded all their reactions and concerns below for future reference:

**Molly**_:_ That's mad, Lily… but it just might be mad enough to work. Of course, you'll still need to work out the details and such but full steam ahead, I say.

**Alice**: I don't think that'll work, Lily…

**Keira**: Lily! What if you get caught? You'll probably get expelled or something! Is it really worth it?

**Mary**: So, like, you'll be sleeping in the same cabin or whatever with the boys?

Patty's was the most patronizing. You know, six years I've roomed with Patty and I'm still not sure where I exactly I stand with her. She lets me copy her homework sometimes, and I like how she's the only one who ever thinks to leave hot water in the shower for me when I wake up late… but, even aside from the fact that she dated James Potter and that she makes the rest of us look like right trolls, she can be so condescending sometimes.

Like tonight, for instance. We were all huddled in a circle on the floor after I'd called for an emergency dorm conference, sipping on some warm butterbeer Alice's boyfriend (Frank Longbottom, lovely bloke) had snuck in for her. I'd just told them the plan and everything and I was feeling pretty optimistic, but then Patty shot me this look like she felt sorry for me.

"Come on, Lily, let's be realistic," she told me. "How is this going to work? You expect Harigan to believe you're the sixth male member of Gryffindor that's been hiding from him the entire year he's been here? And what, you're just going to sleep with the boys the entire time? With James and Sirius and them? You think they won't notice you? Especially _James_? Because I'm pretty sure he must have memorized every line and freckle of your face. And then not to even talk about Amos."

"What about Amos?" I asked her, all affronted because she was blowing holes in my brilliant plan.

"Well, you _like_ him, don't you?" she said exasperatedly. "You think you can just live with the love of your life for a whole two weeks? You do know boys sleep _naked_ sometimes. You think you could handle that? And Merlin knows what else those boys do when they're alone. Wrestle and grope each other, I expect. What if they accidentally touch your boob or something?"

I honestly hadn't thought about that. And I could tell no one else had either because we were all silent after that, contemplating the horrible things boys do when they're alone. At least I think that's what everyone else was doing, because that's what I was doing.

"It's not as bad as all that," Molly, ever the pacifier, soothed. "I read the pamphlet Harigan gave me and it said that if there was enough space, students from other schools might join us. One of us could just tell him that their cousin, _Billy _here," she glanced at me, "is from Beauxbatons and is spending the summer over here. There shouldn't be a problem."

"Yeah, it could totally work," Mary piped up, tossing her hair. "We'll make you look completely different with our wands. And, like, you don't even have to be with the boys all the time. You'll be with us half the time and all you'll have to do is room with them. You could be one of those shy blokes that only feel comfortable around girls."

"So, you mean gay?" Keira offered.

"Pretty much."

They totally had me convinced but I could tell Alice still wasn't sure. "But, well, what if they do sleep naked?"

We were silent again.

Then Keira said, "We'll just have to find out, won't we?"

And so brilliant idea #2 was born. See we all concluded that there was no way I could handle five boys (one of whom might be the love of my life) walking around me naked, possibly urging me to do the same. So we assigned a boy to each of us and we have till the end of the week to find out whether or not they go commando when they're alone. We really did. Pulled names out of a hat and everything. Though Molly didn't get a boy since we're six and they're five. So instead, she'll be convincing Professor Harigan that Billy Tevan, her cousin that visits every summer, is very interested in the program because they just don't have those kind of opportunities in France. Meanwhile, Mary will be looking up faces in her countless muggle magazines to see which identity will be best for me.

This plan might be crazy enough to work.

I didn't pull Amos's name out of the hat, just so you know. Which I'm kind of glad of because, though I would love any opportunity I get to talk to him, I don't want him to think I'm some weirdo.

Although I guess I am. A weirdo, I mean. Because if you think about it, I'm currently planning some investigation of the sleeping habits of the male specimen because I'm planning to disguise myself as one for two weeks due to the blatant sexism that runs rampant through our Ministry. Who _does _that?

Me, apparently.

I got Sirius.

I still don't know how I'm going to go about this. All I know is that it will be mortifying because Sirius Black has the ability to make everything inappropriate.

* * *

**Friday, May 31****st**** , 6:48am**

**Girl's Dormitory**

**List of things I need to do.**

1. Study for Transfiguration finals that are in THREE DAYS.  
2. I've run out of owl treats for Ingrid. She's starting to give me those glares she usually does when she feels I've been neglecting her. Must steal some from Keira's owl.  
3. Buy some owl treats.  
4. Find out whether Sirius Black sleeps naked.  
5. Finish reading the novel (Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen) Emmeline Vance lent me.

* * *

**Later, History of Magic Classroom**

You know I've only just realized that my life is a lot like Elizabeth Bennett's from Pride and Prejudice. Seriously. Not in the sense that she has a bunch of suitors pining after her or that she has four sisters, but because she dislikes this man named Mr. Darcy (ahem Potter) because he's arrogant and thinks he's better than everyone else. On the other hand, she likes some other man named Mr. Wickham (Amos) who's basically the total reverse of that. He is super-charming, really good looking, great to be with, and generally delightful to all the senses.

I haven't finished reading the book, but I don't know why everyone is obsessed with Mr. Darcy. He's a twit. I much prefer Am - er, I mean Mr. Wickham.

Anyway, just to keep you updated, I've just recently succeeded in my mission to find out whether or not Sirius sleeps naked. I've taken the more abrupt method (unlike Mary, who's decided to sneak into their dorm at night to see if Remus does. Like that's any more subtle!): I sent him a note. Will be recording his answers for future reference.

_Black, _

_I'm conducting a survey for very SCIENTIFIC PURPOSES. You can't show anyone this note (not even Potter) or tell anyone about it. You owe me for that time I let you copy my Potions homework. Answer these questions carefully and HONESTLY. _

_1. Approximately what time do you go to sleep?_

**Geez, this is weird, Evans. I dunno, really. The lads and I go to sleep whenever we're tired. Usually around midnight on school nights. About two or three on weekends. **

_2. What activities do you take part in with your friends in the privacy of your dorms?_

**Wizard's chess and Gobstones a lot of the time. Get smashed. Plan pranks. All that stuff. **

_3. What do you talk about?_

**Quidditch. Girls we think are fit or crazy. Times we got smashed. Family. Homework. Hogwarts. You know Evans, we're not aliens. I'm sure we talk about the same things you and your friends talk about. Minus the makeup and clothes, I guess. **

_4. How often do you sleep naked?_

**What?**

That twit. He didn't answer the most important question. I'm sending him another note right now. I can see James staring at us from the corner of his eye, looking very suspicious. Good. That means Sirius really didn't tell him. He can't know. None of them can know about these questions because then they'll know we're up to something for sure.

_Answer the last question, you twit._

**Are you sure this is for scientific purposes?**

_What else would it be for?_

**I dunno, Evans. Maybe you'd like to imagine me naked just for your own fantasies.**

_In your bloody dreams, Black. Well, do you or don't you?_

**What?**

_DO YOU OR DO YOU NOT SLEEP NAKED?_

He is doubling over with laughter as he reads my note. I can barely keep the smile from forming on my lips as well because, honestly, this whole situation is ridiculous. James is full out staring at us now. I'm not sure what this means. Maybe he is catching on?

**Sometimes. When I have a girl over.**

_OH MY GOD I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT._

**You asked.**

Maybe I should ask him about the others as well, or will that be too obvious?

Ugh, whatever. I've gotten all the information I need.

I really don't know what's up with all the note tossing in this class lately. You'd think we'd be more focused considering our HOM finals are next week but I think we've all come to the conclusion that we're going to fail anyway. There's really no point.

Speaking of finals, TRANSFIGURATION FINALS IN THREE DAYS.

Note to self: MUST STUDY.

**Saturday, 11am **

**Girls Dormitory**

Oh my god, I've overslept.

This is horrible.

It's not as bad as it could be seeing as it's a Saturday, but still. I've missed breakfast, but more importantly, I've wasted valuable time sleeping when what I really should have been doing was STUDYING.

I get this feeling I'm going to fail my finals. Really. I've BARELY studied. I blame it on this auror training thing. It's why we all overslept (Molly, Alice, Keira and Mary are still asleep!), you know. Because we had another emergency dorm conference last night. I wanted to share my findings with them so we all sat in our little circle, surrounded by thousands of parchments and textbooks for studying while talking.

I read Sirius' answers to them and Molly noted (with her nose buried in her Potion's textbook) that he never mentioned wrestling or groping as one of their pastimes. But I doubt Sirius would mention that if they really did wrestle or grope each other so I'll still be watching out for that.

"They go to sleep at two or three on weekends?" Alice said in a surprised tone. "How do they get around with so little sleep?"

But it's funny because last night we ended up going to sleep around four. The reason being that Keira and Mary still needed to find out whether Amos and Remus went to sleep naked. And so they had to wait till around 3:30am when they figured the boys would be asleep.

They asked me and Molly to come with them but I absolutely refused. I wasn't even comfortable with them going as it was. I didn't want them to get in trouble for me or anything. Though I'm pretty sure they went partially because there was a possibility that the boys might be in the nude, which made me sort of uncomfortable because I didn't want anyone seeing Amos naked.

Except me, of course.

While we waited for their return, Molly and I quizzed each other on Herbology, a class I find fairly easy. Patty told us to shut up because she was trying to sleep. She got James, you know. And when we asked her if she'd found out anything, she said all casually,

"I don't need to ask him because I already know he doesn't sleep in the nude. He thinks it's weird. He always puts on boxers at least."

"How do you know?" I asked her.

She got uncomfortable then. "Because… you know."

And then I turned red because I did know. She and James had sex.

You know, I don't fancy James or anything but you can understand why that got me a little angry. Here he is, telling me to go out with him and pretending he likes me and all that rot, but in actuality, he is having sex with other girls. Not that I'm very surprised, hell they used to pretty much have sex in the corridors. But still, it just shows you how much of a slimeball Potter is. Because if he did like me as much as claimed in his public (very embarrassing) declarations of love, he wouldn't have had sex with Patty. And he can't even defend himself by saying that he liked me after Patty, because he's been asking me out since Third Year. He _did_ stop for those four months in the beginning of Fifth Year when he and Patty dated, but he continued right after.

Arse.

No wonder she broke up with him.

Well, at least that's what she tells us. That she broke up with him, I mean. She won't tell us why, but I assume it's because he's a prat.

Amos would never do that to me when we are married with our two children, Harry and Beatrice.

Well, I assume he wouldn't. He hasn't dated much thinking about it. I remember he dated Emmeline Vance once in Fourth Year… and a few other tramps, er… I mean girls since then, but none of them have ever lasted long. And they're usually kept very private. Not that I'm complaining or anything but it's just strange, considering how wonderful and attractive he is.

Yeah, so Mary and Keira came back up ten minutes later, all giggly. They reported that Remus had been fully clothes in a shirt and pajama pants, and so had Peter and Sirius. But James and Amos had been shirtless. My mouth went kind of dry.

Not at the thought of Potter shirtless, ew. But Amos…

I suddenly can't wait for school to be over.

Oh bloody buggering hell, it's 11:30 now. I need to stop writing and get down to library. Unfortunately, and I say unfortunately because I've grown quite fond of you, dear book, I won't be able to write in you till finals are over. Because I will be studying. Or trying to anyway.

* * *

**A/N: **

If you are going to follow/favorite my story u can at least leave a review gOSH

:)


	3. Chapter 3

**Monday, 3rd June, 1pm**

**School library**

Transfiguration wasn't as bad as I thought it would be! Yeah, so I turned my pig into a chair instead of a table but, hey. It was _still furniture_. Total success, in my opinion.

I'll be filing that exam under my list of things that went better than expected.

Must return to studying now.

* * *

**Wednesday June 5th, 2:58am**

**In my bed, Girl's Dormitory.**

UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE.

AMOS DIGGORY TALKED TO ME TODAY.

AND HE REMEMBERED MY NAME TOO.

Oh Merlin, I'm actually so excited right now, I'm having trouble breathing.

It wasn't romantic or anything; like he didn't push me against the wall, kiss me deeply and then proclaim his undying love for me like I would have hoped but it was still _something_. We were just at our Astronomy exams, and we had to have partners and, as luck would have it, Amos was mine and I was his and we worked together and brushed arms a couple of times and it was electrifying.

We didn't say much more than "Could you pass me that ruler?" and "I think Mars goes over there," but that was because I was too nervous. I'm sure I completely messed up my chart but oh, who gives a damn anyway. It's just Astronomy. I only took it because I knew Amos was taking it.

This is a sign that we are destined to be together. I'm not usually one to talk about destiny and such, (I really believe our choices take us where we are, you know? How could we have our futures set out ahead of us if we alone have the power to make our decisions and choices? Don't we set our own futures?) but how lucky was that that Amos of all people was my partner?

First, I didn't fail my Transfiguration exam and now, I've made physical contact with Amos Diggory.

This week is going splendidly.

* * *

**Friday, June 7th, 10pm**

**Girl's dormitory **

Remember that splendid week I was having?

Not so splendid, it turns out.

Why, you ask?

Because, book, Amos Diggory has a new girlfriend.

They just became public today at lunch. Him and Emmeline Vance. AGAIN. That tramp. I always knew you can't trust Hufflepuffs.

My life is complete and utter shit.

Literally too depressed to write.

* * *

**Wednesday, June 12th, 3:25pm**

**History of Magic class. **

_Haikus by Lily Evans _

_Oh, my heart is yours _

_Amos Diggory you twit _

_Leave that tramp for me_

_I love you so much _

_I'd do anything for you _

_You have no idea. _

_Stop kissing her please_

_Seriously can you just not _

_My life is shit. _

Hmm that's four syllables.

_My life sucks horse shit. _

There we go.

* * *

**Saturday, June 15****th****, 9:37am**

**Girl's Dormitory**

Well, one more week till school is over.

That means one more week till ATP.

To be perfectly honest with you, book, I don't want to go anymore. I mean, it's not like I'm going to snuggle with Amos under the pale moonlight anymore. In fact, if everything goes according to plan I'm not even going to look like a _female_ that he could be attracted to. And yeah, I'll be learning all that Auror stuff and I'll be with a few of my friends, but can I really spend two weeks listening to the love of my life talk about some other girl?

That's all he does now. Talk about Emmeline Vance, I mean. I hear him in the Great Hall talking to the Marauders about her because he's in that lovey-dovey, beginning-of-a-relationship stage. You know, that stage where you've just started dating and everything about the other person is perfect and not irritating at all.

She comes over to the GRYFFINDOR table sometimes too. I really don't want to be one of those jealous type girls, but do they really have to snog at the table? For Merlin's sake.

Molly and the others keep sending me sympathetic glances which are extremely annoying. I'm not going to jump off the bloody Astronomy Tower. Okay, so I thought about it a couple of times, but I wouldn't _actually_. A tad overdramatic, even for me. Even James thinks I'm sick or something. He stopped (more like attacked, really) me last night when I was about to head out for patrols, demanding to know why I'd been walking around in sweatpants and messy buns for the past week. Clearly he doesn't understand the post-breakup routine, even though Amos and I technically never went out in the first place but whatever.

I told him to back off, of course, and that I didn't have to have a reason for dressing a certain way. Seriously, if I suddenly decided to wear sweatpants for the rest of my life, would that really be such a bad thing? It would not. It would make me very happy actually. They are soft and warm and nice and they don't break your heart by asking other Hufflepuff girls to be their girlfriend.

Molly and Mary say I have to go through with the plan whether I like it or not. Apparently, Molly has finally succeeded in convincing Professor Harigan that she has a cousin named Billy Tevan, Mary has already found the perfect face for me to use ("It's a mix between Paul McCartney from the Beatles and that attractive one from The Dancing Hippogriffs!") and Alice has found the spells I'll be needing for the transformation.

So I guess it's happening.

Finals were alright. I failed History of Magic, as expected. But whatever. I'm going to die alone anyway.

* * *

**Sunday, June 16****th**

**Owlery**

_Dear Mum,_

_So terribly sorry I haven't written in ages. I've been so caught up in my exams and all that, I hope you understand. How's dad? How's Petunia? Rotten, I hope. Ha ha ha, I was kidding (not). How's Jade? WELL, I HOPE, CONSIDERING I MUST HAVE LEFT ABOUT THREE HUNDRED INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HER. She's a very spoiled cat, but you should know that. Shower her with lots of love, alright? Is she still taking all the shiny things? I hope you remembered not to take them from her, as she will be very angry and bite you for weeks. Anyway, I hope you're all fine and stuff. But I'm writing for a reason… and please don't think I'm the worst daughter in the world, but I won't be coming home at the end of June._

_Remember how I told you I was thinking of becoming an Auror (the dark wizard catcher)? Well, they're offering training sessions for potential Aurors after school ends, and I really want to go. And that's why I'll be staying a couple extra weeks after into July. It's not that long, is it? You don't even have to come pick me up at the station as I have my Apparation License now (woo). _

_I miss you lots and lots. I can't wait to tell you all about my finals (Transfiguration was surprisingly decent!). Reply to this as soon as you can so I know you've gotten it. Ruddy owl gets confused sometimes. But I still love her so make sure you toss her a couple dead rats when she gives you this!_

_Your favorite daughter,_

_Lily_

_PS – Amos has a new girlfriend. Please send me lots of heartbreak food. Brownies, ice cream, the works._

* * *

Dear Lily (daughter whom I love just as equally as my other one),

First off, I most certainly did not toss any dead rats to Ingrid. I don't just keep those things lying around, you know. Second, I'm so proud of you, dear. I'm sure you did wonderfully on your finals! Of course, I have no clue what your grades mean (Whatever happened to the standard A's and F's?) but I assume you're doing brilliantly.

Your father says to inform you that you will be taking Jade to Hogwarts next year because he simply cannot handle that damn cat anymore. Neither can I, to be honest. All she does is lay around and get fat and steal all my nice jewelry. She can't even get off her belly every once in a while to catch a nasty rat. Vernon, remember that… er, nice man that Petunia is dating? Yes, well he came over for dinner the other night and Jade got up, dashed under the table and scratched him right across his leg! No, you simply have to take her with you next year. Maybe she can get the decent exercise that she so desperately needs up there.

We're all fine. Really. The shop is booming with business now that summer is coming around again. I'll tell you all about it when you get here. And, about the training, that's really no problem. Your father and I both agree that it's an amazing opportunity for you, and two weeks is nothing. We'll be patiently awaiting your arrival. INCLUDING your loving sister whom you adore and cherish.

Please be careful with that apparation business, dear. Sounds a bit dodgy.

Even more love,

Mum.

P.S – Oh, sweetie, that's terrible! I know you really liked him. You poor thing. I've packaged some brownies along with this. Hopefully, Ingrid doesn't decide to rip it open and eat it like last time. Stuff yourself up. And don't be too upset. Sometimes, it's for the best.

* * *

_Mum,_

_Brilliant. I'm glad you're aboard!_

_Oh, bully, I can't even leave my family with my cat for a few months! All she needs is love, and you can't even give her that! But fine. If you insist, I'll bring her to school next year. And pity about the Vernon thing. I guess it's true that cats really are able to sense evil. _

_Thanks for the brownies. You're the best mother anyone could ask for. I'll owl you later with more news!_

_Love, Lily._

* * *

**28****th**** June, Friday, 6:35pm**

**Gryffindor Common Room**

We leave tomorrow.

I'm terrified.

I'm so scared.

It's all well and dandy for the others. They are going as their usual sex. I'm going as a foreign, dark-haired, arguably homosexual boy. Thinking about it - and I have… a _lot_ - there is a vast number of things that could potentially go wrong. In fact, I've compiled a list:

1. **I could get caught.** Yes, this one seems fairly obvious, but did I even really think about the consequences before I got myself into this crazy plan? I mean, seriously what if Harigan really does notice that I'm not, in fact, a foreign, dark-haired, arguably homosexual boy? What would he do? Worst case scenario, he'll owl my parents and get me expelled from Hogwarts and then inform the Ministry (it's a Ministry sponsored program after all) and then they'll snap my wand and I'll be forced to live like a Muggle for the rest of my life. That'd suck. I know I had that whole identity crisis in Fourth Year because I was all bitter about Petunia resenting me and such, but I don't actually want to live like a Muggle!

Best case scenario, he'll send me home. Which would also suck. Not to mention embarrassing.

2. **The spell could wear off.** The spell Alice found to make me look like a cross between Paul McCartney and the guy from The Dancing Hippogriffs only lasts for twelve hours. TWELVE HOURS. What if I'm right smack in the middle of something or near people or _something_ when it wears off? And it's not some quick application spell; it's the kind that takes at least five minutes to perform, she explained. Apparently, I have to transform different parts of my appearance individually, so I would change my hair first, then my nose, then my eyes, and so on and on. She says I have to time it very carefully, AS IF I DON'T KNOW THAT.

At least it's not a Transfiguration spell because it would have been hopeless then.

3. **The Marauders might recognize me**. Notice how I didn't write "the Marauders and Amos"? Because AMOS HAS DECIDED NOT TO ATTEND. Yeah, I know, Molly only just told me at dinner. Apparently, he and his family are going to the States the day after we get off school, so he'll have no time for the training. Merlin, I'm not sure if I should be ecstatic or devastated. On one hand, it's great because then he won't see me make a fool of myself. Not to mention the fact that I don't have to hear him talking about Emmeline Vance all the time. On the other hand… it's _Amos_.

Oh well, even if he'd come, it's not like there was a chance of me ever getting together with him. You know, book, I've been thinking about it, and I'm not exactly sure why I keep pining after that twit. He clearly doesn't even know who I am and, quite frankly, I simply cannot handle this emotional torture that seeing him with Emmeline brings me. It's partially my fault, of course. I should've known from the very beginning that I didn't stand a chance in hell with a boy like Amos Diggory. He's simply too beautiful, and beautiful people like him don't have time for ordinary, boring people like me. He should obviously be with girls like Patty and Emmeline Vance who, not only are unfairly beautiful, but are also intelligent and read intellectual books like Pride and Prejudice (which I still need to finish and return).

I should really get over him. But one doesn't simply give up on a boy after four years of loving him.

Sigh.

But anyway, the Marauders might recognize me and, though I doubt they'd tattle on me, I simply could not stay after that because they'd never let me live it down.

4. **The plan could fall to shit before I even get there**. See, we're leaving by train right after the End of the Year Feast tomorrow. _We_ being the thirty three students from Hogwarts that signed up for the ATP. The thing is… Billy Tevan is supposed to be arriving from France this afternoon to meet the rest at the camp (I still have no idea where it is?), but he obviously can't because I'm right here with the others. Molly says the only solution is to go with them, using some spell to make me invisible (maybe the Disillusionment Spell?) till we get there, then make my grand appearance when everyone is busy scurrying around, but can I just mention how RISKY this plan is?

That's all I can think of at the moment, but I'm sure there's more.

Oh, Merlin, I can't think about this right now. There's a slight possibility I might throw up here in the Common Room and, considering the large amount of people lounging around because finals are over, that might not turn out so well.

Remus has just come down and he's looking around, probably for me. Tonight is the last night of patrols, thank God. They're dreadfully boring and such a nuisance, honestly. If the students of Hogwarts haven't gotten that they're supposed to be in bed after nine, then I doubt they ever will. Not to mention we all leave tomorrow, so there's sure to be tons of people out of bed tonight.

Eurgh.

I'll write more tomorrow. Something tells me I'll have lots to tell you.

* * *

**A/N**:

Thanks for your LOVELY reviews! This got a lot more than I expected. Thanks to those who actually reviewed after favoriting/following my story. ^.^ GriffinRoar777, Hufflepuff's Princess, halopez18, jake, magicalninjaunicorn, and the other guests... I LOVE you guys!


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